Paris Hilton Is Today’s Nixon

14 05 2007

You gotta love the Yanks! Only they can take a semi-serious entertainment tit-bit and turn it into a full-blown absurdity, media circus and all. What triggered this rant was the news that Paris Hilton [If you don’t know who she is, just google her. Guys, just make sure there are no kids, wives, gfs, or co-workers around when you do… it could end up NSFW and you may need a petition yourself! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!] was arrested for driving without a license, her license having been suspended because she was caught driving while drunk more than once. It turns out that judge has ordered her to serve 45 days in jail for this offense, to which some “fan” has decided to start an online petition to get the Governor Arnold “Terminator” Schwarzenegger [wow I spelt it right at the first go] to overturn her sentence and be more lenient, i.e. no jail time. Little wonder that its being officially endorsed by the guilty party in question.

What had me in stitches was the text of the actual petition. I’m enclosing my favorite parts here for you all to see. The original is here for all you curious types to see in its unadulterated stupidity. Onwards:

1. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

My Take: Ehhhhhhhmmmmmmmm, provides hope??? Hope of what??? Excitement??? Well…….. debatable, maybe if you’re really drunk [see previous comment on googling Paris Hilton…]

2. We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn’t go to jail, either.

My Take: Hmmmmm… I believe the punishment for DUI is at least a night in jail pending trial. So they’re saying she’s wrong but shouldn’t be punished as per the law? Hypocrites!

3. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn’t hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.She is distraught and understandably afraid.

My Take: Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm! She’s an actress and she’s “sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully”? Ok, it must be true ’cause she’s a crap actress anyway. But that’s a hell of a reason to escape punishment! Can any sane judge really be swayed by a statement like, “I’m so sorry, Your Honor! I’m sorry that I was caught driving drunk for the third time! I won’t do it again! I promise! Please believe me! I’m being sincere! And I’m crying! See? No glycerin! Please your honor! Don’t punish me!”

And my absolute favorite:
4. If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

My Take: Poor Nixon. He lost to Kennedy cause he looked like crap on TV compared to JFK [unlucky for him TV was invented before 1960], and now he’s got to compete with Paris Hilton for the title of “World’s Most Un-Deserving Pardon”??? How can you even compare the two??? Jeesh, let the poor man have some claim to fame for people to remember him by.

Okay, so I put most of the petition here. But, it was just too funny. What’s really hilarious, and a bit disturbing, is that at the time of writing this post over 25,000 people have actually signed the petition. So that means that there are over 25,000 “certified” morons who feel that Paris Hilton provides hope and excitement to people worldwide [I still don’t get this logic!], is sincere and remorseful and won’t drink and drive again despite being caught 3 times already, and should be pardoned ’cause Nixon was pardoned by Ford.

Hell of an argument, ain’t it! Like I said, you gotta give it to the Yanks! Man, what inanity! Another for the “Monumental Stupidity Awards for 2007″ list. Wow, I’m building quite a list!





My Kind of Lingo

20 04 2007

A friend of mine sent this to me this morning. I just had to share this with you guys as it had me in stitches. Enjoy and share these with others. I definitely will start using them from now on.

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this years winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone: (n.) the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation of yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration: (n) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Girafitti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole

Hahahahaha… Ignoranus… priceless….





Damn The Word, Hail The Gun

19 04 2007

Well, it’s started. In the aftermath of this week’s Virginia Tech shootings, I’ve had this nagging feeling that this is going to lead to some extreme reactions, blowing things out proportion. Please do understand I am in no way diminishing or making light of what happened at VT. What happened was sickening, and my condolences go out to all those who were affected by this horrible event. When I talk about blowing things out of proportion, I’m referring to the reactionary measures that are bound to follow that do not logically have much relevance to this event. I’m being a little cryptic I know, but bear with me. I don’t want people to think that I’m actually condoning this sort of behavior.

I just read an article titled Student Arrested over Va. Tech Remarks, which mentions that a 22-year old university student has been arrested for, I quote, “… making comments that classmates deemed sympathetic toward the gunman blamed for killing 32 students and himself at Virginia Tech.”. It goes on to say that he was “angry about all kinds of things from the fluorescent light bulbs to the unpainted walls, and it made him angry enough to kill people.”

Does this strike anyone else as a tad too extreme? Yes, this kid may need some serious mental help, but arresting him for just saying something??? That’s just going too damn far and being too damn paranoid. How many times have you used the phrase, “I’ll kill you!” or something similar, at someone? According to the police in Colorado, making such a statement is a crime that can get you arrested. Just where do you draw the line between a plain statement and criminal intent? How do you do this? You can’t just go out and arrest everyone who says “I want to hurt someone!” If that was the case, the jails would be overflowing with people who said stuff like, “Put out the trash now, or I’ll beat the crap out of you…”

What I expect to happen now is that any person who makes a statement, verbal or written, that in someway makes someone nervous, especially in some sort of academic environment, will be presumed guilty of criminal intent. So, anyone who writes a dark story, or play, is suspect. Just imagine if this had happened sometime in the past. Do you think Stephen King or even Edgar Allen Poe would have been let off the hook? Nope, they would have been branded as insane, and locked away. And in those days, human rights was just a funny word, not a public sentiment.

But beyond all this, there is a much larger issue. Gun Control. Cue the NRA [National Rifle Association] and its propaganda circus. Consider the dichotomy that exists in the US. Its the right of every citizen to own a gun [so says the NRA]. But a person does not have the right to say or write, “I want to hurt some people”! I can own a weapon which I can use to shoot you, but I can’t say “I’ll beat the shit out of you!”??? Huh??? Which is more lethal??? Never mind the whole Freedom of Speech issue at hand as well…

Anyone above the age of 18 can go out and legally buy a gun in the US. And you can very easily get a gun illegally if you don’t want to endure the mandatory waiting period of a few days or don’t want to reveal your identity. Even assault weapons can be legally purchased. Why the heck would you need a Uzi or Kalashnikov in every home?

The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is the mantra politicians should be following if they’re sane. Words are just words. Yes, they may imply some sort of mental imbalance and cause others some mental anguish, but they can’t physically affect a person. But if you make it possible to translate words in action by making weapons accessible to the wackos out there, then you’re only asking for trouble. Make it difficult to get a hold of weapons. Then you make it easier to deal with these lunatics.

At times, I feel we’re on the borderline of insanity. We take offense too easily and make a huge hue and cry when someone says something we don’t like, and we start imposing all sorts of controls and regulations to limit what people can and can’t say. For example, pPeople get monumentally upset when you refer to a person as a “dwarf”, not “a vertically challenged person.” But at the same time we don’t do a damn thing to make it illegal for people to buy guns and other weapons, and make all sorts of stupid statements like “Its a constitutional right” or “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

What a load of utter horse shit! Make it illegal to own a gun. Severely punish those who break the law and obtain guns illegally. It’s time for the politicians to start acting like sane human beings and say, “Enough is Enough! Guns kill people! We don’t want guns in our homes, near our families, and on our streets!” Charlton Heston [he’s the President of the NRA] can say what ever he wants, but there are no wild frontiers anymore to tame, so there are no more wild animals and “wild savages” to protect against here. You don’t need guns to survive these days.

People. Use your bloody brains.

Hail The Word, Damn The Gun. That’s what your mantra should be.

P.S While this is a US-centric post, this message is for whole damn world. Wake up and smell the coffee people. Help get rid of guns in your country. You’ll be far better off for it.





Introducing Dolly Mark XXXX – The Quadro-Teat Wonder

5 04 2007

Note: There is a ton of innuendo, suggestiveness, and outright sexual humour in this article, so I respectfully ask the faint-of-heart, easily offended, humourously challenged, feminists, “holier-than-thou” types, and other ignoramuses to sod off and stick your head in a bucket of boiling water…
Further Note: This post is meant to be a satirical piece and is intended in good humor rather than to offend. If you hadn’t figured that out by now, please refer to the previous point on the humourously challenged before reading on… And yes, I have milked [pun intended] this topic for all its worth…

A friend of mine sent me a link to the article that inspired this rant a couple of weeks back, knowing the pleasure I get out of bashing inane ideas. Kudos to him, he was right on the money. If you haven’t figured out what the heck I’m talking about from title, read on…

According to this article, scientists in New Zealand are contemplating breeding a special type of ewe [a female adult sheep, for the clueless] with four [YES! 4] nipples instead of the naturally occurring God?/Evolution?-designed model that currently sports two [2] nipples.

Why would they do that, you might ask? Well, apart from the patently obvious obsessive fetish among these scientists for all things nipple-related, the article goes on to state that due to unexpected fertility levels in New Zealand’s ovine [definition: relating to sheep, in laymans terms:sheep] population, ewes are now “dropping” [i swear thats from the article] triplets more often. Ergo, there is now a grave shortage of suckling points available to these new born lambs. As the brains behind this operation goes on to say, “A triplet, if he is the runt of the litter, is usually doomed.

So…. to combat this problem, the solution seems to be, “WE NEED MORE TITS!!!“…

I fully agree with that sentiment but not when talking about sheep or genetics. I’d rather stick to my existing philosophy of, “the more tits, the merrier, but only as long as they come in pairs… on women… not sheep.” We guys have a hard enough time just dealing with a pair of them… Can you imagine what the world would be like if women had more than a pair of breasts? We would have to learn a whole new scale, right from the existing AA to DD/FF scale [i looked this upon Wikipedia…] to a whole new one incorporating AAAA to FFFF. Then you’d have even more really weird adverts for “the latest Quadro-cup luxury model wonder bra with more comfort than the 2 cup kind, made of some new space-age fabric that does something or the other for the upliftment of women… ” And just where would these extra “assets” go???? Its too perverse to even contemplate… [shudder]

Back to the article, I think its commendable that these guys have so much compassion for the runts. But what in the world would possess them to come up with “More Nipples!”, of all things, as the solution? Why not something simpler like mobile mechanical milk dispensers with 4 tits, sorry teats? Or working on a special diet for the ewes to produce more milk? But no, they want to go and mess around with the basic construction of a sheep. Do they mean to imply that God?/Evolution? didn’t future-proof the original sheep design?

Which brings me to how they plan on achieving their goal. Their approach is, and I quote from the article, “…to scour sheep flocks for ewes with four nipples, and hope to use them to assemble a flock “from which rams can be bred to pass on this trait”.

Try and picture how this will pan out. A bunch of adults will be found fondling the underbellies of ewes across New Zealand, going “1…2…3…4…Eureka!!! We got a freak!” or “Shit!!! This one’s normal! Its only got 2 [or whatever the normal number is for a ewe]“… And once they have enough sheep, they’ll start pimping these sheep to some lucky rams specially chosen for this “momentous” task in a specially built “ovine bordello”, a remote farm with a barn and sheep pen… And for all you know, the foreplay [its possible!!!] between the ewes and rams would be as follows:

Ewes: [Ala Marilyn Monroe] Hello Boys! We’ve got something special for you…
Rams: Really? What?
Ewes: We’ve got new boob jobs…
Rams: Oooh, me so “horny”!!!
[Disclaimer: There might some loss in accuracy to the inability to distinguish between certain kinds of bleats.]

I give them points for imagination, but otherwise what a bunch of morons. The “Monumental Stupidity Awards for 2007” have a second nominee…

To read the actual article in its original briefness, go to http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/03/21/four_teat_sheep/

Final Note: I have presented this topic as a satirical piece but there is a serious undertone to this that I would like to comment on. I’ve come to the conclusion that scientists are more frequently turning to genetics to solve issues relating to living organisms without a complete understanding of the consequences involved. I mentioned Dolly in the title of this post as a oblique reference to this trend since though she was a marvel of science and a representation of the great leap forward in genetics, the poor animal ended up living a difficult life with all sorts of medical issues like premature aging, which resulted in a debilitating form of arthritis, before she finally passed away in 2003 due to a progressive lung disease. The point I’m trying to make is that sometimes we tend to overlook practical solutions in favour of more glamorous ones, even if we are not fully aware of the consequences. I don’t think that I would reacted as I did to this article had the clowns at that research institute not tried to justify their actions by linking it to a problem that might have other more immediate solutions. I’m all for pushing the frontiers of science. But, I’d rather see these efforts targeted on areas that are really vital, such as new medicines, disease preventions or even more efficient energy systems, instead of trying to create a new sheep breed.





The Truth About George

5 04 2007

Update: Anyone else think that there might be a modern parallel here :)? Think about it! George???

I was reading “The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire” by Edward Gibbon, over the weekend, and came across a very curious note about one George of Cappadocia. Funnily enough, this bit-part player in history was raised on the shoulders of early Christian martyrdom, and is today known as St. George, who is the patron saint of England, amongst other things.

What I found quite amusing, and ironic, is that given the way Gibbon presents this character, the only words I can use to describe him are, “a greedy, two-faced, conniving weasel. A ruthless, vile opportunist who abused his position to pursue his own violent agenda.”

Hell of a role model for the Brits isn’t he? 🙂 Sorry to all the Brits reading this, but I just couldn’t resist pointing this out.

For anyone interested in reading about the historical evolution of Europe from the Roman Empire to the Dark Ages, I highly recommend this book. As a case in point, in his recounting of the rise of Islam as a factor in the decline of the Roman Empire, Gibbon presents a balanced view of Mohammed and the early days of Islam, by analysing the situation from a mix of religious, political and social angles. I doubt many would have argued with him in his time if he taken a condescending attitude and tackled the topic from solely a religious “Christian vs. Muslim” angle.

Granted, he does question if the holy and religious aspects of the story of Mohammed are nothing more than political ploys to consolidate power. But, he is consistent with this type of questioning throughout this book. Frankly, I find that this work presents an accurate summary of the events of over a thousand years in an objective manner, despite all the religious and political upheavals its covers.

I will warn you its a quite a bit of reading though. Gibbon wrote 3 volumes worth.

I’m enclosing my favorite excerpts about St. George from the book here so that you can all can see that I’m not making this stuff up.
Update: I decided to remove the excerpt text from here as it just cluttered things up a bit too much. The entire excerpt can be found here http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap23.htm#disg towards the bottom of the page. Easier thing would be do a search for the term George once you hit that page. This is from Chapter 23 of Volume 1. The entire text of this book is available online at http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/decline.html