Paris Hilton Is Today’s Nixon

14 05 2007

You gotta love the Yanks! Only they can take a semi-serious entertainment tit-bit and turn it into a full-blown absurdity, media circus and all. What triggered this rant was the news that Paris Hilton [If you don’t know who she is, just google her. Guys, just make sure there are no kids, wives, gfs, or co-workers around when you do… it could end up NSFW and you may need a petition yourself! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!] was arrested for driving without a license, her license having been suspended because she was caught driving while drunk more than once. It turns out that judge has ordered her to serve 45 days in jail for this offense, to which some “fan” has decided to start an online petition to get the Governor Arnold “Terminator” Schwarzenegger [wow I spelt it right at the first go] to overturn her sentence and be more lenient, i.e. no jail time. Little wonder that its being officially endorsed by the guilty party in question.

What had me in stitches was the text of the actual petition. I’m enclosing my favorite parts here for you all to see. The original is here for all you curious types to see in its unadulterated stupidity. Onwards:

1. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

My Take: Ehhhhhhhmmmmmmmm, provides hope??? Hope of what??? Excitement??? Well…….. debatable, maybe if you’re really drunk [see previous comment on googling Paris Hilton…]

2. We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn’t go to jail, either.

My Take: Hmmmmm… I believe the punishment for DUI is at least a night in jail pending trial. So they’re saying she’s wrong but shouldn’t be punished as per the law? Hypocrites!

3. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn’t hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.She is distraught and understandably afraid.

My Take: Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm! She’s an actress and she’s “sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully”? Ok, it must be true ’cause she’s a crap actress anyway. But that’s a hell of a reason to escape punishment! Can any sane judge really be swayed by a statement like, “I’m so sorry, Your Honor! I’m sorry that I was caught driving drunk for the third time! I won’t do it again! I promise! Please believe me! I’m being sincere! And I’m crying! See? No glycerin! Please your honor! Don’t punish me!”

And my absolute favorite:
4. If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

My Take: Poor Nixon. He lost to Kennedy cause he looked like crap on TV compared to JFK [unlucky for him TV was invented before 1960], and now he’s got to compete with Paris Hilton for the title of “World’s Most Un-Deserving Pardon”??? How can you even compare the two??? Jeesh, let the poor man have some claim to fame for people to remember him by.

Okay, so I put most of the petition here. But, it was just too funny. What’s really hilarious, and a bit disturbing, is that at the time of writing this post over 25,000 people have actually signed the petition. So that means that there are over 25,000 “certified” morons who feel that Paris Hilton provides hope and excitement to people worldwide [I still don’t get this logic!], is sincere and remorseful and won’t drink and drive again despite being caught 3 times already, and should be pardoned ’cause Nixon was pardoned by Ford.

Hell of an argument, ain’t it! Like I said, you gotta give it to the Yanks! Man, what inanity! Another for the “Monumental Stupidity Awards for 2007″ list. Wow, I’m building quite a list!

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