Introducing Dolly Mark XXXX – The Quadro-Teat Wonder

5 04 2007

Note: There is a ton of innuendo, suggestiveness, and outright sexual humour in this article, so I respectfully ask the faint-of-heart, easily offended, humourously challenged, feminists, “holier-than-thou” types, and other ignoramuses to sod off and stick your head in a bucket of boiling water…
Further Note: This post is meant to be a satirical piece and is intended in good humor rather than to offend. If you hadn’t figured that out by now, please refer to the previous point on the humourously challenged before reading on… And yes, I have milked [pun intended] this topic for all its worth…

A friend of mine sent me a link to the article that inspired this rant a couple of weeks back, knowing the pleasure I get out of bashing inane ideas. Kudos to him, he was right on the money. If you haven’t figured out what the heck I’m talking about from title, read on…

According to this article, scientists in New Zealand are contemplating breeding a special type of ewe [a female adult sheep, for the clueless] with four [YES! 4] nipples instead of the naturally occurring God?/Evolution?-designed model that currently sports two [2] nipples.

Why would they do that, you might ask? Well, apart from the patently obvious obsessive fetish among these scientists for all things nipple-related, the article goes on to state that due to unexpected fertility levels in New Zealand’s ovine [definition: relating to sheep, in laymans terms:sheep] population, ewes are now “dropping” [i swear thats from the article] triplets more often. Ergo, there is now a grave shortage of suckling points available to these new born lambs. As the brains behind this operation goes on to say, “A triplet, if he is the runt of the litter, is usually doomed.

So…. to combat this problem, the solution seems to be, “WE NEED MORE TITS!!!“…

I fully agree with that sentiment but not when talking about sheep or genetics. I’d rather stick to my existing philosophy of, “the more tits, the merrier, but only as long as they come in pairs… on women… not sheep.” We guys have a hard enough time just dealing with a pair of them… Can you imagine what the world would be like if women had more than a pair of breasts? We would have to learn a whole new scale, right from the existing AA to DD/FF scale [i looked this upon Wikipedia…] to a whole new one incorporating AAAA to FFFF. Then you’d have even more really weird adverts for “the latest Quadro-cup luxury model wonder bra with more comfort than the 2 cup kind, made of some new space-age fabric that does something or the other for the upliftment of women… ” And just where would these extra “assets” go???? Its too perverse to even contemplate… [shudder]

Back to the article, I think its commendable that these guys have so much compassion for the runts. But what in the world would possess them to come up with “More Nipples!”, of all things, as the solution? Why not something simpler like mobile mechanical milk dispensers with 4 tits, sorry teats? Or working on a special diet for the ewes to produce more milk? But no, they want to go and mess around with the basic construction of a sheep. Do they mean to imply that God?/Evolution? didn’t future-proof the original sheep design?

Which brings me to how they plan on achieving their goal. Their approach is, and I quote from the article, “…to scour sheep flocks for ewes with four nipples, and hope to use them to assemble a flock “from which rams can be bred to pass on this trait”.

Try and picture how this will pan out. A bunch of adults will be found fondling the underbellies of ewes across New Zealand, going “1…2…3…4…Eureka!!! We got a freak!” or “Shit!!! This one’s normal! Its only got 2 [or whatever the normal number is for a ewe]“… And once they have enough sheep, they’ll start pimping these sheep to some lucky rams specially chosen for this “momentous” task in a specially built “ovine bordello”, a remote farm with a barn and sheep pen… And for all you know, the foreplay [its possible!!!] between the ewes and rams would be as follows:

Ewes: [Ala Marilyn Monroe] Hello Boys! We’ve got something special for you…
Rams: Really? What?
Ewes: We’ve got new boob jobs…
Rams: Oooh, me so “horny”!!!
[Disclaimer: There might some loss in accuracy to the inability to distinguish between certain kinds of bleats.]

I give them points for imagination, but otherwise what a bunch of morons. The “Monumental Stupidity Awards for 2007” have a second nominee…

To read the actual article in its original briefness, go to

Final Note: I have presented this topic as a satirical piece but there is a serious undertone to this that I would like to comment on. I’ve come to the conclusion that scientists are more frequently turning to genetics to solve issues relating to living organisms without a complete understanding of the consequences involved. I mentioned Dolly in the title of this post as a oblique reference to this trend since though she was a marvel of science and a representation of the great leap forward in genetics, the poor animal ended up living a difficult life with all sorts of medical issues like premature aging, which resulted in a debilitating form of arthritis, before she finally passed away in 2003 due to a progressive lung disease. The point I’m trying to make is that sometimes we tend to overlook practical solutions in favour of more glamorous ones, even if we are not fully aware of the consequences. I don’t think that I would reacted as I did to this article had the clowns at that research institute not tried to justify their actions by linking it to a problem that might have other more immediate solutions. I’m all for pushing the frontiers of science. But, I’d rather see these efforts targeted on areas that are really vital, such as new medicines, disease preventions or even more efficient energy systems, instead of trying to create a new sheep breed.




One response

17 04 2007
Citizen "Illegal" « chronicallysane

[…] “Monumental Stupidity Awards for 2007″. I’m building quite a list. So far I have sheep fondlers, confused eco-warriors, and now inane politicians. I wonder what the future will bring. Filed […]

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